20 Things NOT to Do to a Pregnant Asteria Malfoy
by aej325
Summary: Draco makes a list of what not-to-do when his wife is preggers: 20 Do NOT let her find this list...if she does - and the bloody damned woman will - be prepared to waver all rights to naming the first child.


Title: _20 Things NOT to Do to a Pregnant Asteria Malfoy__  
_Author: Andie  
Rating: Uhhh. Some... adult words? Lol.  
Summary: A certain Mr. Malfoy makes a list of No-No's when Asteria is preggers.  
Warning: Typical marriage stuff I'd say, I guess.  
Fic Type: Series! (1st)  
Disclaimer: I don't own any Harry Potter character, they are property of JK Rowling. The plot and all happenings _ARE_ mine.

**A/N: _In my mind, mixed with all that CrAzY, Asteria (Yes, with an "E") was born a squib... Yeah, theres more and whatnot but you'd prob'ly get more info from reading _**The Dragon's Shooting Star **_but that's not up on the site yet... so yeahhhh.  
__Haha, enjoy mehh fellow fanfic obsesses! _**

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_**20 Things NOT to Do to a Pregnant Asteria Malfoy**_

**1.** Do not make loud "hell raising"¹ sounds when waking up in the morning.

**2.** No cussing when discovering that you've woken late – even though the baby is inside her body "it can still hear [your] foul soap needing mouth."

**3. **After waking up late do not ask where the floo powder is located in a "snippy" tone.

**4. **After knocking the floo powder onto a priceless rug, do not swear and state (within hearing distance of hormone ridden wife)² that you never liked the rug anyway.

**5.** When saying that you'll replace the worthless rug take notice that said rug is priceless.

**6.** Do not ask how to answer the telephone.

**7. **When you can't work the telephone, do not call it a: stupid non-magical worthless piece of muggle rubbish.

**8.** Do not complain about a hard day at the office.

SIDE NOTE: A pregnant wife has always had a tougher day than the husband – even if said husband had his office BLOWN TO BITS by a careless potions-wiztern who does not understand the difference between _eye of newt_ and _newt eyes_.

**9.** Upon arriving home do not forget to check for any changes; hair cuts, nails done, new clothing, furniture moved (magically by maid of course, not manually by your wife – otherwise you'd have burst a blood vessel), etc.

**10.** No joking about asking for a foot rub because your feet hurt.

SIDE NOTE: Offer an entire boy rub immediately after stupid foot rub joke.

**11. **No grinding teeth or growling "like an untrusting dominant he-man" when it is suggested that a professional (who is of the damned perverted male gender) does the massage and not you – _the bloody husband!_

**12.** Never mutter "snide chauvinistic comments" about how hard it is to repair charred clothing.

**13.** Never, ever, ever, mutter "snide chauvinistic comments" about how you wish you had a maid to do this women's work for you.

SIDE NOTE: Let the flying pillow hit you – or else waterworks will ensue over how you (the husband) won't take pity on your poor "pregnant wale of a wife" (idiot woman) and let a measly pillow hit you.

**14.** Don't offer to get a puppy to make it better (the insane woman will take that seriously).

**15.** Do not take back your offer for the puppy.

**16.** Do not actually conjure up a puppy.

SIDE NOTE: Never mention a puppy again.

**17. **Do not call her Astra when try to soften her up. The woman will go for your wand no matter if the medi-witches proclaimed her a squib at birth. She WILL try to do "mumbo-jumbo" on you.

**18.** Laughing at her Trying-To-Be-A-Witch antics is a bad idea.

**19. **No scoffing at the muggle (Mozart?) classy stuff she will play at night.

**20.** Do NOT let her find this list.

SIDE NOTE: If she does come across it (and the bloody damned woman will) be prepared to waver all rights to naming the first child.

SIDE NOTE: When she starts screaming over how she will not be bought by her child's name (though she will not let you go back on those words either way) drop to your knees because you'd most likely be better off facing You-Know-Who.

_¹All in "…" has been quoted directly from the (beautifully luscious) lips of one, Asteria Nicolette Malfoy née Greengrass._

_²All in (...) has been taken from the brilliant mind of one, Draco Hyperion Malfoy._

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**:D**


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